Hiding or Healing in the Mountains
I’ll attempt to create at least one video a month. Rather than a highlight reel of January, here is a short edit of skiing Mt. Moran this January with Tanner and Copeland
I’m currently on a plane to Kaua’i. I feel spoiled writing about this trip. I am a very fortunate, blessed person with a family that likes to travel. My parents, brother, and I haven’t had a big family vacation like this in a couple years.
I have sacrificed seeing my family for Christmas, New Year’s, and other holidays because I live in a tourist town. Work is busiest over the holidays. So we scheduled this trip in a lull of activity during Jackson’s off season. I left Jackson at -20 degrees this morning and will step off this plane into the 70s. This will be epic.
Don’t expect many posts from this trip. It’s a time to relax with the family plus surf and freedive with my brother.
This last week leading up to the trip was a wild one. Lots of running around getting my fix of the Rockies before heading to the beach. I focused on skiing over snowboarding with a glory and Mt. Taylor lap. WOW the Coal Creek out is incredible on skis. After 20+ times on a snowboard and now once on skis, I am converted. Now to try the Granite and Garnett out tracks on skis too.
Next I made a blitz trip to Missoula to see friends and hit the climbing gym. With one final day of the week in Jackson and zero work still, I skied Teewinot on Friday.
This brings me to the focus of this week’s post. Lately I have been going through some things and thinking hard about issues and topics local to Jackson. Plus, I want to practice writing. So here is a piece I wrote on this plane.
Hiding or Healing in the Mountains
Seventeen degrees below zero. Six o’clock in the morning. My fingers hurt even in my warmest gloves. My nose stings. I won’t pull my buff over my face for fear of my breath condensing and freezing the buff solid. It’s been two hours. My vision of the world hasn’t grown past the ten-foot radius glow of my headlamp. “Do I even want to ski today?” I ask myself. “Just make it to sunrise”, I repeat hoping the alpenglow on the steep granite faces and refreshing alpine air will bring the happiness I seek. “What am I doing here?”
Jackson is like all mountain towns, albeit maybe extra intense. It’s an adult playground where we seek adventure and adrenaline outdoors on a regular basis. We move here to chase what we love. We are very fortunate. Locals know their passions and where to pursue them. Some pursue them to a relentless degree. For six years I viewed this as purely a healthy addiction. We know what makes us smile so we do it every day. Lately, however, a new use of the woods has come to my attention. One broadcasted by local memes examining mental health issues and how mountain people run from them. Are the mountains and excessive exercise an escape? A place to run from problems rather than face them? Do people hide their internal sadness under the cloak of extreme pursuits? Do I do that?
Again in a headlamp. This time in fall. The sun has fallen and elk bugles rip through the trees around me. The Milky Way arcs above my head while shooting stars cut across the celestial canvas above. I’m oblivious to the beauty however. My head is down and mind is spinning. I don’t even want to shoot a deer on this trip. Just get me the six miles to my two friends who are waiting around a campfire. Get me to that whisky bottle. I can’t be in town right now.
I have multiple concerns with the view that we cover life’s problems with exercise. A disclaimer first - I want to caution away from using the term “mental health issues” in this argument. For the sake of this paper I’ll focus on stress and the daily struggles of life’s bullsh*t rather than the devastating mental health problems caused by hormone imbalances and chemicals in the brain. I do not have the expertise to address those appropriately.
First, why do I only hear about this in mountain towns? Sure, we have housing issues, seasonal weather changes, and other stressors to worry about. But who doesn’t have problems? Jay-Z taught us we all have at least 99. No one sees a beach community where people surf every day and assumes they are running from the world. They simply enjoy surfing. Someone who works out in a gym six days a week is viewed as dedicated and cares about his/her health and wellness. A rock climber excessively training at a city gym seems passionate and devoted to his/her craft. But, good heavens, if someone runs to the mountains to ski or climb each day others assume they are hiding.
The sun rose. I could see the rock walls surrounding me and the approaching boot pack as the slope angle increased. This is what I came for. Did I plan to ski Teewinot Friday? No. After a tiring six hour drive from Montana with my mind in a daze, heart broke, and head hurt with stress from relationships and work - did I want to ski Teewinot Friday? No. Did I force myself to? Yes. I take off my skins and punch in my steps the next 2000ft. I reach the summit 4.5 hours after leaving the car. But I don’t drop in. I sit on a rock looking over the prettiest view in western Wyoming, arguably the country.
I take time to breathe and think. It has now been 5 hours. Like a track on repeat, my mind has circled around to my same issues of significant others, friendships, and work that entire time. The crisp mountain air keeps me clear and engaged. The heavy exercise awakens my brain and ignites all its neurons to consider my problems in depth.
I would argue healing, not hiding. The mountains are where I tackle my issues the most. I always did this but only became consciously aware this last year. These few times I’ve run to the hills facing trouble - I ran to confront the problem, not hide from it. Had I stayed in town would I have found 5 hours of silence to think things through? Unlikely. I would have been distracted by friends, work, TV, books, and music. All are great outlets but also distractions from what I actually needed to do - think.
1000 yards away I can see the dim light of a smoldering campfire. 100 yards away I can smell the smoke. 10 yards away I can hear the voices of two great friends. Other than the bears and elk surrounding us, we are alone. I pour my emotions and stress onto them before I even sit down. I’m devastated and distraught and they know it. I shed a tear every so often. They listen intently and offer the best advice only true friends can. I yell, they listen. I complain, they give advice. We laugh, we drink, and I smile. I curl up in my sleeping bag. My problems are not gone but I have unpacked them. The Milky Way still pours across the sky above, again disrupted by regular shooting stars. This time I notice them.
Should you have friends whom you adventure with outside and ones you don’t - analyze them. I’m going to wager you are much closer, or grew close faster, with those you’ve engaged with outside. The mountains have a way of strengthening bonds an urban jungle can’t. For example, I met one of my best friends and roommates for the first time on a two-day bear hunt. The stories we shared plus the personal and world problems we tackled in that short trip solidified a life-long friendship. Nature brings clarity, lack of distractions, and, most importantly, time. Time to think and chat and work through stress. There’s too many hours in a day of hiking to stick with “chit-chat”. Engage, open-up, and enjoy the deep conversations nature allows. Alone, one can tackle personal problems in the woods. Together, people can solve them.
Stress and life’s struggles are obviously not restricted to mountain towns. But maybe with their smaller populations and more close-knit communities, towns like Jackson talk about them more. Thus, they seem more apparent. However the exercise addiction does not stem from a need for therapy. The addiction is born from our deep passions and very fortunate access to world-class terrain and recreation. We are blessed. Once discovered some may turn that addiction into therapy. The memes are restricted to mountain towns over beach communities and fitness gyms because it takes a perfect recipe of recreational access and addiction along with a community where the problems appear more prevalent.
Professional big wave surfer Laird Hamilton claims “if a lot is good, then even more is better”. I generally support this statement. Jackson residents have found positive outlets and engage in them aggressively. But it should be noted anything positive can be taken to a negative extreme. Eating healthy is beneficial but absurdly restrictive diets can spell disaster. Exercise is trademarked as healthy but can harm when unregulated and without concern for rest. We are all individuals and benefits are situational. Professional climber Lor Sabourin (they/them) realized they suspended their own mental healing path through aggressive climbing with 62 days in a row. In their article Brave Space for Climbing Magazine they write, “when I started climbing again, I was ready for something more sustainable. I began taking care of my basic needs - food, water, sleep, and a supportive community - as a prerequisite for getting out.” They remind us “instead of running blindly to the mountains to check out during hard times or seeking validation through our performance on the rock, we can investigate what we need out of climbing at the moment… and approach our days and seasons more intentionally.” Analyze your own engagements with the outdoors and ensure they are positive.
I still argue it’s predominantly a healthy addiction in Jackson. But now I see there are other uses than simply engulfing our bodies with endorphins and dopamine. Our mountain lust is a healthy coping mechanism to stress, if used wisely. How do others cope who don’t have access like we do? Many turn to alcohol, social-distancing, anger, self-harm, or other unhealthy alternatives. Sure, I’ve been sad or stressed and proceeded to get obliterated with friends. But those nights I forget my problems, not tackle them. That’s true escapism. Alcohol is hiding, nature is healing. A night of drinking is fun but can leave one depressed, hungover, overweight, and with no hypothesized solution to a problem. A day outside can leave one fit, healthy, clear-headed, and ready to face life’s challenges.
I clip my split board back together, strap into my bindings, and drop in. In front of me lies an untouched canvas of white. With recent high pressure systems I expect hard packed, icy snow. Instead nature sees my struggle and blesses me with a surprising powder pocket 4000 ft in length. It is magical. I carve my way down smiling ear to ear while leaving a sinusoidal wave of turns. That’s all I took from the mountains that day - a slight disruption to its blanketed, white face. But the mountains gave me so much more. I skin back to my car with a clear mind, healthy heart, and reminder of what makes me happy. My problems don’t fade. Things still really hurt. But I understand my issues better. I am more aware and conscious of how to move on.
Our town has the number one best coping mechanism on earth. I say this not to take away from standard approaches to healing like counseling and therapy. Should you be struggling yourself please seek help from those professional options. What I am arguing is, with my new found awareness of this use of the outdoors, I view it in a positive light. Of my next 100 adventures, 99 will likely be for pure enjoyment of climbing, skiing, and biking. But I am sure one will be a forced adventure to seek clarity and happiness. I will force it. I will think through my problems. I will discuss them at length with my adventure partners. We are not hiding out there, we are healing. And I am grateful to have that opportunity. Just like this Friday on Teewinot.
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Thanks for reading. I hope that wasn’t too boring or weird. Time to hit the ocean, chill, and maybe get a tan. Naw, who am I kidding, my pale-ass is going to burn so bad.
As my Californian surfing brother once signed off, “keep it fresh when the water’s salty”